Hehehehehe

"I AM the Tooth Fairy"

Emily has a tooth that is very loose and it is making it difficult for her to eat. So she was trying to get it out. She kept talking about the Tooth Fairy, and what would the Tooth Fairy bring, and-- are you the tooth fairy Mom, when the tooth fairy called one time it was your picture on the phone.

So she kept on with this, and knowing I didn't have a dollars worth of change in my purse (I rarely, rarely carry cash) I knew if that tooth came out, the tooth fairy wouldn't be able to come through in the usual way. I thought about making a certificate on the computer for a Littlest Pet Shop critter from the dollar store, but it was late and my computer is visible from her bed, and-- that just wasn't going to happen.

So, I said "can you keep a secret?"

Oh yes, she can, she said!

"Don't tell anyone..." and I leaned in and whispered, "I AM the Tooth Fairy."

She stood there, eyes huge, and said "I knew it! I thought you were!" She was in awe, much more than I would have expected.

And then she said-- "But what I don't understand is how you travel all over the world every night?"

                              

Author, Melissa S. -  PAI Board Secretary

Melissa and her husband Brad have been married for 18 years, and have one daughter. They live in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Melissa worked as a secretary at New Mexico State University until the birth of their daughter, at which time she became a stay at home wife and mother.

Lucille Ball lives on.

 

Someone once commented here that my life reminds them of Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. I have to say, her comparison wasn't off by much because the thing is, discombobulated moments just seem to find me. Allow me to share the great poo bomb incident if you will.

We were at Denny's tonight for dinner. Sure, it's not Shea Chic or anything, but they do put the most delicious cherry tomatoes on their salads (much better than Cracker Barrel's), our kids like the pizza, and hey, kids eat free on Saturday nights. It's all good. Well,...was good.


Before I go on, let me just say that my kids love soy milk. If you've heard some negative things about soy, let me just say that it's important to know who is behind the message (about soy, politics, or anything else for that matter). I've done my research and feel confident that it is best for our family. It's kind of like HRT, where women need to educate themselves and then make the decision that's best for their own situation. 'Nuff said.


So, they drink soy with the exception of Brandon. His system is too sensitive to it and he ends up with too frequent bowel movements (Oh, stop your gagging. Everybody poops).






 

Don'tcha know it, I got up this morning and we were out of cow's milk for Brandon so I had to tap into the kids' soy milk for his cereal and a glass for lunch. I figured that small amount couldn't hurt. Famous last words. Back to Denny's.


We finished eating our meal and were on our way out of the restaurant. Carl led the way from the back of the restaurant where we had been seated, through the aisle between rows of tables to the front. Behind him went our three oldest, then Brandon (who was walking) and about 10 paces after him, me.


I thought I smelled, you know, something.
"Couldn't be," I pondered, thinking about the glass of soy he drank at lunch time.
And then......the unthinkable happened.
I saw mud bunnies running down the back of his leg. Lovely (NOT!)
And what happened next (because that wasn't bad enough) will forever redefine gross as we know it.
A huge biscuit plopped out of his shorts, right in the middle of the aisle.
People, I'm telling you he launched a poo bomb smack in the middle of Denny's.


A dining establishment.


At dinner time.


While people were eating.


I felt a surge of adrenaline as I RAN to him (noting that the mud bunny trail was dangerously close to filling his shoes), scooped him up by the arm pits, and sprinted past dh as I groaned, "Carl! He dropped a log in the middle of the aisle!"


The look on Carl's face had the makings of a credit card commercial and I'm sooo not kidding.
The cost of a gallon of gas? $3.65
Cost of family meal at Denny's on kids eat free night? $22
The look on a guys' face when his wife frantically tells him that their son just pinched one off in the middle of Denny's? PRICELESS.


As I continued my marathon for the door (not wanting a repeat occurrence and not wanting poo puddles in Brandon's shoes), Carl looked back and noted the sizeable log laying right in the middle of the aisle. Half way back. How to get a napkin and casually pick it up before anyone noticed? You tell me.


By this time I had made it outside, where another log fell smack in the middle of the rubber mat that rested in front of the entry door. No time to pick it up. Must change seriously pooped up baby. Only..........


Where exactly does one lay a pooped up baby in a Denny's parking lot? On the sidewalk? In the blacktop parking lot? Folks, options were few and, as things usually play out in my world, I had no keys to open the van where I could have laid him on the floor to work on the major clean up to follow.


So, out of options, I chose the sidewalk. I couldn't wait and if you had been there, I assure you, you would not have waited either. He was a drippy brown mess. I frantically opened the diaper bag and dug to the bottom for that dinky plastic changing pad that comes with diaper bags. That'll teach me not to check these things out in advance because...naturally...no changing pad available.


So I grabbed a change of clothes, diaper and the wipes.
And,...Oh, lookie here! Swell and dandy. My kid is pooped to the max and I have two, count e'm, TWO wipes in the bag. I quickly emptied the wipes bag so I could use the plastic as a changing pad on the sidewalk (which would be akin to trying to cover a semi truck with a cocktail napkin). I had no choice. I was so pathetic desperate that I just got down to business, knowing how entirely insane I appeared to every passing soul.


May I suggest to you that there are these little moments that come up in life where you just don't care? You just don't give an owl's hoot about what the other person is thinking because they're not standing in your shoes (or your kid's shoes that are about to be poo filled any second) and sheesh, you just need to get 'er done.


Well, Carl walked out just then, but it was simply too late to move the dirty job to the car. I had already removed Brandon's shorts and diaper, and was busy cleaning him up with my two miracle wipes. Towering over me, Carl's eyes met mine. He wore a look of stress and slight humiliation. I too was feeling the defeat when suddenly I did what any supportive and rational thinking wife would do.
I burst out laughing.
"My wife done lost her mind," was what I read next in his eyes.
"It's all going so status quo," I mused.
Which made me laugh even harder.


Within seconds, I could not see through the tears to have the slightest clue what his next expression was. That is, until I heard him join me in my crazed fit of laughter.


It happened.
It really, really happened.
Our kid dropped a poo bomb in the middle of Denny's and his momma proceeded to change him on the sidewalk in a moment of desperation.


I don't dare say "end of story" though, until I tell you what Carl endured in the moments that followed my frantic exodus. As he noted the poo in the middle of the aisle, he immediately scanned the establishment for a napkin. According to him, it would have been easy to "just scoop it up like a dog pile."
That is, had he been successful in his napkin hunt.
You don't think he actually found one though, do you?
Remember, Lucille Ball here and Ricky Carl was to have no such luck.


But he did find a substitute.
A children's menu.
Uh huh, swell.
He said that every time he tried to get under the log to scoop it up, it rolled away.


And so....there he was. Squatted down in the middle of Denny's, chasing after a run-away log in front of complete strangers.
All while trying to remain incognito.
Deflated by a moment so surreal, it felt like a slapstick comedy. Seems fitting that I really did love Lucy.


Sometimes folks, sometimes, all you can do is laugh.


"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
-Erma Bombeck

 Author:  Toni H.

Grateful to be a stay-at-home wife and mother of four, homeschool educator, former RN and airline customer service rep. For the record, I follow Jesus. Boldly!

 Author's Website:  http://www.wisewomenlovejesus.blogspot.com/

A day in the life of a humorous, witty, and intelligent Mama named Jess.

  

Momologue

by  Jess

 "Okay, whatever, fine, just get in the van. No, don't pick flowers. Yes I see the dog. Why did you take your shoes off? No, don't switch carseats, the buckles... never mind. WAIT! Stay in your seat while I buckle in your brother. It's too late, you already switched seats. Quit crying or I'm leaving you here. Quit crying, I'm not leaving you here."

"Wait by the van, this is a parking lot. Quit screaming, no cars will smash you while I'm unbuckling your brother. Hold your sister's hand. I see that puddle. I see, DON'T splas... aw, nuts. It's okay, it's just your shoe, it will dry. It's really okay. Quit screaming, you can go in the EXIT side sometimes, it doesn't matter. Stay with me! Stay with me! No, not that basket, no I don't have any quarters. Ride or walk? Not you, you don't have a choice. Quiet, please. Inside voice. (whispering) because he's very OLD, honey, and his legs need help (SHHHH)."

 "Yes, I have a list. No, you can't hold the list because you can't walk and read. No you can't. No, you can't. I really know that you can't... I'm not arguing with you. There's... there's a LOT on the list, I'm not reading it all to you. Anybody need to go to the bathroom? Are you sure? Okay."

 "Okay, let's pick a cereal. Yes, yes, yes, yes, no. Just pick one. Yes, fine, okay, sure, whatever. No, not that one. Because it's not nutritious. No, Marshmallow Mateys are not nutritious, exactly, but they're better than that. Because... I don't know, just pick one that's not chocolate or rainbow colored. What's that smell? What is THAT smell? Oh. my. gosh. No. no no no no. Quit screaming. You. Quit screaming, we'll come back to the cereal. Why didn't I pack extra clothes? Why did you do this? You're WAY too old to do this. Quit screaming. I'm buying little panties and pants, that's what. Hush! We'll come back for the groceries. Why? Aw, nuts."
 

"Okay, let's finish shopping now. Next time, tell me first, okay? There's 2 bathrooms, just tell me. No, you are not getting candy. You might not ever have candy again, or anything good or fun, until you're potty trained. No, you aren't either because I'm not making her scream, and besides, you keep running off and crashing into people. Come back here! Don't put that in your mou... Okay, we're almost done. 

Let's get some fruit. Stop weighing stuff, honey, we aren't buying, um, 6 pounds of tomatoes. Wow. Let's put those back. Okay, that's it. Let's. HEY! Come back over here. See all these strangers? Stay where I can see you. Well, no, they aren't all bad strangers, but we just don't know which ones... anyway, just stay by me."

"No, you can't have any candy. Because it's bedtime, and you haven't had dinner, and you didn't obey me. Stop screaming, that's not going to make me buy candy. Not you, no, you will never have candy ever again, maybe. Until you're potty-trained. Oh, you're trained now? Well, let's wait a few days and see. Yes, I see that man. Inside voice! SHHH. Okay,  I just have to pay. Sit down. Sit. I don't want you falling out and cracking your head. He has what? Hey! Put that down and come touch the basket. Okay, let's go. Let's go, come on. Time to go home."

Please make sure to visit Jess' blog, http://www.radiantjess.blogspot.com/

Things I Never Expected to Hear (aka, Kids Say the Darndest Things!):

1. “Wow! Now I can get my WHOLE foot in my mouth!” -- Terry

2. “I was standing on the counter because I dropped something.” -- Terry

3. “I did it because God wasn't with me at that moment.” (Nice try, kiddo.) -- Terry

4. "Mom, I'm going to live in Florida and work at Disney. You can come visit me. Well, except on Saturdays because I'll be attacking tornadoes with my sword and light-saber on Saturdays. But you can still stay at my house even if I'm not there." -- Christina

5. "I can't eat. I'm too hungry." -- Christina

6. "OK, I'm ready to build my robot!" (at 1:00 am) "Oh, I didn't know it was the middle of the night. Good night." -- Christina

7. "MOM, there are NO stores that have things for sale that are free. They just want all our money." -- Christina

8. “That soccer coach was really mean. He wouldn’t let me use my hands.” -- Christina

9. "My curiosity got the best from me" - from my 7-year-old when asked why he put his hand in a bird's nest and took an egg out after his father expressly told him NOT to. – Terryl

10. "Mom today I farted 4 times, the first one was at the swings and I was cold but my toot was warm. I was cold but my bahookey wasn't." (Gee thanks for sharing) – Kate

11. "Mom I thought I had to toot, but poop came out." (again her colon is a topic) -- Kate

12. Mom, remember the other day you told me you would explain what those things are? (My daughter (age 8 at the time) pointing at the tampons in Walmart) -- Kim

13. "Hey, MOM! Did you know you can swear with your fingers? WATCH!" (then he couldn't get the right finger up, but i sternly told him we don't do that.) -- Christina

14. My sweet petite daughter said: "Mama, my poop made a puzzle." What? – Laura Beth

15. "Mama, come look! My poop looks just like a dolphin!" -- Kelly

16. "But how does the daddy cat get the babies IN there?" -- Kelly

17. "I am pooper hero! I have Pooper powers!" -- Kelly

18. In response to my question, "so what's the deal-- I put you to bed, and then go back hours later to see your light on and you playing barbies or coloring." After a pause ... "Maybe I'm nocturnal." -- Melissa

19. When asked the other night why she only sleeps on the edge of the bed instead of in the middle or by the wall my 3 year old happily responded, "Because the potato by the wall tickles me at night if I sleep over there." -- Molly

20. "Dear God, please make me a boy so I can wear my crocs to church tomorrow. Amen." (Said Saturday night after I told her she couldn't wear her crocs to church because girls don't wear crocs to church. Guess she took that to mean boys do.) -- Claire

Please Don’t Eat the Daisies, continued!

Parenting changes everything! Erma Bombeck wrote a wonderful book called “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies.” (It later became a movie.) In that book, she talked about things she never thought she’d say to her kids. I, too, have had those moments! How about you?

The following list was compiled by some of the women who participate in the Parenting After Infertility message board! Names of participants follow their submission.

Things I Never thought I’d say:

1. “Spit Jesus out!” (My daughter had put baby Jesus, from our Nativity, into her mouth.) -- Terry
2. “Please don’t gargle in the car.” -- Terry
3. “Get your toenails out of your ear.” (Ok, that one was directed at the dog.) -- Terry
4. "Worry about your own undies please!" (when the kids try to tell each other to change into clean underwear before bed) -- Kelly
5. "Mac, the man in line at the grocery store does not care about your Lightning McQueen pullups." -- Allison
6. “Dear, it's not ok to pull down your pants in church." -- Christina
7. "STOP SAYING CHICKEN. I CAN NOT HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN." -- Christina
8. "No, putting chips in the fridge will not keep them fresh for next week." -- Christina
9. "You can't drink and drive, put that juice box DOWN now." (he was in an electric car) -- Christina
10. "Can you PLEASE stop looking at girls in underwear? You are NOT old enough to look at girls like that." -- Christina
11. "You can't pray to the Easter Bunny." -- Christina
12. "You can't have a wedgie with the front of your shirt. That's only with your underwear. Can you please stop announcing your wedgies?" -- Christina
13. "Yes, I am the best! Aren't you lucky you have the best mom in the world?" -- Christina
14. "You won't get dessert if you don't eat your hotdog." -- Christina
15. “Allie, you may not pet the fish...again!” -- Kelly
16. "Go jump on the bed." (we were cleaning the mattress after a VERY disgusting stomach bug) -- Julie
17. "Please don't stand in the fridge!" -- Kelly
18. "Please don't lick the dog." – Kelly
19. “Please don't lick any part of the subway.” -- Angelina

Author:  Terry (PAI Board of Directors)

Wordless Wednesday

a basket full of Easter candy is as good as a double shot of espresso

Word Play

 One of our Moms shared this with us today.   Thanks Julie!

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Acupuncture - a jab well done.
* The Police were called to a daycare where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* A bicycle moves slowly because it is two-tired.
* When she saw her strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* A will is a dead giveaway.
* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* A chicken crossing the road - poultry in motion.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* Horses are alone in their class because they are always out standing in their fields.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
* We will never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
* The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* In a democracy, it's your vote that counts - in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

Swagger Wagon

Enjoy!

Truth About Children

 - A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/