Friday, August 19, 2011

I did it!

 It may seem like no big deal to some.. but to ME.......  

Written by Heather


After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.
Heart breaking the things that never come to be. was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me! him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  
I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself. stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.
And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...

About Heather
After 10 years of unexplained infertility and after our 1st IVF and then loss of our first babies - a triplet prior to 6 weeks and then our identical twins (Dec. 6 '07)...round 2 of IVF blessed us with fraternal twin boys - Zac Michael and Evan Brett. After delivering the boys at 28 weeks 1 day (March 6, 2009 - Zac 2lb 5ou and Evan 2lb 9ou), and three days after their birth, Zac went home to heaven to be with his brothers (March 9, 2009). 66 days in NICU and 2 weeks before my actual due date...our precious son Evan came home weighing just under 5lbs! Our story and journey from the beginning can be read here.

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