Parenting After Infertility & Loss Ministries (PAI)

Don't Carpe Diem

2012-01-25T22:45:00.003-06:00

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

Author, Glennon Melton
Glennon finds life and parenting to be both brutal and beautiful. Brutiful, she calls it. She writes about her brutiful life at Momastery. Writing helps Glennon heal from her bulimia, alcoholism, and jerkiness. Shopping does not help her heal, but she will die trying to disprove that. Glennon loves Jesus, gay people, adoption and rearranging furniture. In the interest of combining all her loves, she has asked Jesus to help her adopt Nate Berkus. Glennon leads the Monkees, a group of thousands of women who meet at Momastery to support each other in big and small ways.

Author's Blog: Momastery

Follow Glennon Melton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Momastery

Thanksgiving in the Midst

2011-11-24T23:47:00.003-06:00

“This way of seeing our Father in everything makes life one long thanksgiving and gives a rest of heart, and, more than that, a gayety of spirit, that is unspeakable.” -Hannah Whitall Smith

“As I look back over fifty years of ministry, I recall innumerable tests, trials and times of crushing pain. But through it all, the Lord has proven faithful, loving, and totally true to all his promises.” -David Wilkerson

“In Everything Give Thanks”.

A verse so familiar we recite it almost without thinking as an encouragement to one another in our everyday walk.

However, like a woodman’s axe, the reality of life has a way of splitting “everything” into opposing halves.

Good and bad.

Pleasure and pain.

Joys and sorrow.

The front half of the “everything” is easy. Thankful for the birth of a child. For great health. Family. A good job.

The backside of the “everything” is more difficult. The death of a loved one. Cancer. Divorce. A job lost. The empty chair at the head of the table from which dad said the Thanksgiving prayer just last year.

It’s hard to get our hearts and emotions around thanking God for the dark days, for pain, or overwhelming loss.

What’s interesting is that our Father does not ask us to. He asks us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to be thankful “in” the midst of those things.

Consider the life of Jeremiah. His autobiography recorded in Lamentations chapter 3 paints a dismal portrait of his journey.

Affliction. Darkness. Flesh wasting away. Broken bones. Bitterness. Hardship. Chains. Crooked paths. Bears. Lions. Arrows. Mocking. Rejection.

Reflecting on all of this, Jeremiah bemoans, “I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.” (Lamentations 3:20 NIV)

Too often, the tapestries of our own lives have the same threads woven through them.

But, in the midst of despair — Hope always emerges. Jeremiah calls to mind an eternal truth upon which all thanksgiving has its foundation… “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.” (vs. 22 ESV)

Every trial that enters your life comes through the doorway of the steadfast love of the Lord. It involves love that emanates from an eternally wise Father. “It is He who made the earth by His power, who established the world by His wisdom…” (Jeremiah 10:12 ESV) Isaiah adds that the Lord of Hosts is “wonderful in counsel and excellent in wisdom” (Isaiah 28:29 ESV)

God is infinitely wise. His steadfast love endures forever. Separate truths…which are inseparable.

And they are truths that transform trials into thanksgiving.

When life is not the way it is supposed to be…when the wheels come off…when looking up is the only choice you have, because you are flat on your back…be thankful.

Be thankful that God is infinitely wise. Be thankful that His steadfast love never ceases and endures forever.

In the midst of everything — give thanks. It will turn your life around.

And your Thanksgiving.

A Weekly Devotional With Dr. Tim Clinton

Shared Comfort

2011-10-31T16:26:00.005-05:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble, with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Loss of a loved one. Cancer. Your kids grow up and move out. Job loss. Marital difficulties. You name it.

Whether it's your wound or someone's you love, God won't waste it. He'll work in it to reveal Himself. To show that He can be trusted... that He is faithful and loving. He is there to comfort us. It's through our wounds we learn to love more deeply and empathize more carefully.

God comforts us so that "we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." What a glorious picture of the body of believers, lifting one another up in difficult times! When facing life’s trials, trust that God is looking out for you... empathizing with you... loving you... and holding you in His arms. Then take the compassion He shows you and play it forward to those suffering around you.

Julie Clinton, M.Ad., M.B.A., president of Extraordinary Women, has spoken to hundreds of thousands of women as host of EWomen conferences all across America, and is author of Extraordinary Women: Discovering God's Dream for Your Life, the devotional Living God’s Dream for You, 10 Things You Aren’t Telling Him and A Woman’s Path to Emotional Freedom. A woman of deep faith, she cares passionately about seeing women live out their dreams by finding their freedom in Christ. Julie and her husband, Tim, live in Virginia with their children, Megan and Zach.

He is the anchor that holds you in the storm

2011-10-23T22:03:00.002-05:00

Photo Taken By Terryl

After a year of trying to conceive, my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant - very shortly after I had given my life to Christ and become a Christian.. I can remember the excitement, of sharing the news with good friends and family, and praising God for this miracle.

Then, at about 5 weeks, I had some spotting. I went to the doctor, and I can remember exactly where I was at work when I got the call from the nurse to tell me that my numbers weren't good, and I was going to lose the baby. My store manager knew I was pregnant, but she wasn't on duty that evening, and I had an event to run that night. But I knew I couldn't do it. I called the manager on duty into the office, explained through tears what was happening, and she jumped right in, took over for my event that evening, and sent me home.

I don't remember the drive home, but I remember sitting on my bed, with my husband, and crying together at the impending loss of our baby, our dream, our excitement. I remember thinking, "I can't lose this baby ... bad things like this don't happen to me."

The next three weeks went by with a variety of visits to my doctor, with lots of blood tests to check my hormone levels. Sometimes they were good, sometimes not so good. Three weeks of not knowing what was going to happen. Of not knowing whether my dream of becoming a mommy was going to come true, or whether it was going to be dashed on the rocks of disappointment.

In the midst of all this uncertainty, I was blessed by the women of Ladies In Waiting - an email support group for Christian married women that later merged with Hannah's Prayer ministries. I was encouraged by their prayers and messages and stories of hope.

I was also blessed by a dear friend who had a 4-month-old baby girl. She would meet me with her little girl from lunch, some shopping time, whatever - especially when I needed a "baby fix." Holding that bundle of joy in my arms helped ease the pain, and also provided a wonderful memory on what could have been a horrible day.

I was at the mall with my friend, eating lunch in the food court, and she was trying to eat and feed the baby a bottle at the same time. I was done eating, and took the baby to feed her so that my friend could eat with her hands free. After downing the rest of her bottle, this precious baby fell asleep in my arms, and I was content just to snuggle her close and enjoy this wonderful moment. My friend reached down into her diaper bag, and pulled out a camera to take a picture of her daughter asleep in my arms. I put the baby back in her stroller and went to the ladies room, where I discovered that my miscarriage was starting. I still have that picture framed in my house, 14 years later, and every time I see it, I think of that precious memory God gave me on that day of loss.

Sadness was present, but also a relief that at least now I KNEW and the waiting was over. And the blessings continued. I called a friend from church to let them know we wouldn't be at church that night and why, and he immediately asked if I wanted his wife to come over to be with me. Later that evening, one of the teenagers in our youth group we worked with called me and related how they had all stood together in the youth room, holding hands and praying for us. A few days later, I had surgery, and my mom came up to take care of me for a few days, and brought a HUGE Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal to cuddle ... my husband knew it was just what I needed as soon as he saw her get out of the car.

Losing our first baby was hard. My new-found faith got me through, because I knew that even though I couldn't understand why, or what was happening, God was in control, and He was there for me.

I have also seen God use that experience in my life as I minister to others ... even just a few months later, a friend from Ladies In Waiting went through a situation very similar to mine. Being able to give her an ear to bend and a shoulder to cry on, knowing exactly how she was feeling ... I was able to comfort her in a way I wouldn't have before.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. Even when the storms of life are tossing you to and fro, He is the anchor that holds you in the storm. He got me through the storm of that loss, and many other crises and adventures - both good and bad - since then.

Author: Terryl
Author's Website: Moments to Remember

To Rebeka

2011-10-15T00:48:00.001-05:00

Photo Taken by Terryl

To Rebekah

It was a day like any other until…

Isensed a tiny spark.

A quiet knowing that you were there.

It was a day like any other until…

Isensed something missing.

Your tiny spark. Gone. Extinguished.

The emptiness was as strong as my sadness.

Overwhelming.

It wasn’t that we did not want you.

I looked forward to feeling you grow

andbegin to move in my womb.

To endure the pains of labor

and know, beyond anything,

youwere worth it.

I couldn’t wait for your daddy

toplace you in my arms.

To hear your newborn protest

againstleaving the warmth and

securityof my body.

I am up most nights now,

But not because I’ve heard

yourtiny cries.

I am the one, crying.

Slowly. Healing.

Author: Sheridan
"I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mama, and firm believer in Jesus Christ. I rescue baby squirrels because my children don’t want to see the cat from down the street take care of them for me. I have a wonderfully supportive mom and husband who encourage me in my pursuit of photography. Above all, I pray that my life is simply a reflection of God’s glory."

Author's Blog: Have Camera, Will Travel – www.sheridanscamera.blogspot.com

Celebrating Robbie and the journey that brought us here

2011-10-09T15:54:00.002-05:00

If someone would have told me 5 years ago that I would be celebrating my son's birthday, I would have probably cried first rather than laughed at the statement.

It's amazing the journey that God brings us through when that light at the end of the tunnel is completly black! God's answer for us to have a baby was "wait". At times it was hard to tell what the answer to my hearts desire was. During the 4 InVitro cycles, was a time for us to reflect on my faith and to hear what God was working in my life. Infertility did not define me, yet I felt like it was controlling my everyday life during that time. The inability to be in control of things was unbearable.

It's amazing to look back and see the circumstances in my life that lead me to the day I found out I was pregnant. During August 2006 I attended my neices, Kathleen and Joel's wedding. I was so happy for her and yet I found my heart aching because it was the end of our journey and the pregnancy that started rocky for 2 weeks ended in another loss.

September came around and we started looking into adoption. Suddenly the breaks went on hold and we were in the "waiting" period again. I continued to serve, go to church, pray, read my Bible and at that point heard a sermon about "waiting". It was the moment a light bulb went off or rather a lightening strike that helped with surrendering the "control" of trying to figure it all out and really knowing that wait meant to give it all to God.

Now for some of you that know how babies work, know that when it miraculously happens, the immediatly answer is "It's because you stopped trying". Well if anyone "stopped trying", then someone has some explaining to do! I'm kidding of course. Yes, I wasnt' doing IVF or doing medical procedures to get pregnant but to say I stopped trying was not exactly how it happened.

February 12, 2007 Was the day I thought would never happen. After 30 or so times of taking a pregnancy test, what I thought I would see was much different. To hold a positive pregnancy stick after trying so hard to get pregnant was the biggest suprise of my life!

October 9, 2007 the most beautiful boy named Robert Nathaniel blessed our lives. I look at him today and still remember looking at him for the first time and seeing his eyes meet mine. I am it for him. I can look a mess and he will still tell me how beautiful I am. I can be grumpy and he will say something cute that will get me out of my mood. I am so blessed today ( writing a day early than his birthday since I will be on the road :-) that God has given us this time together. So today we celebrate Robbie and thanks for putting up with me all these years in the tears, laughter, bragging and showing off my Robbie :-)

20 weeks

first photo

first family photo

that lip

going to the pumpkin patch even though it was still smoky from the fires

One of my favorite photos that almost look like he is smiling at Daddy. He is less than a day old here

This was taken during our 3 day stay at Grandma Rebecca's house during the fires in October. Thank goodness daddy was off for 3 weeks.

Smile

Great Grandma Rebecca and Robbie after his dedication

Just try not to smile

Robbie's Mommy, Esther

"Our journey to parenthood had many low points but ultimately the highpoint was finally getting pregnant with Robbie after many years of trying, 4failed In Vitro Fertilizations and then letting God have control of what was tocome."

Keep Calm and Read Psalms: Calling on God

2011-10-08T01:25:00.003-05:00

All my blogging friends seem to have a 31 Days of Something or Other this month. I thought I'd jump into the trend. I'm calling it "Keep Calm and Read Psalms."

The book of Psalms gives us a pattern for praying honestly as well as eloquently—not because God doesn't hear simple spur-of-the-moment prayers (He does!), but because, when circumstances allow, He is worthy of thoughtful meditative prayer. Praying the Psalms also inserts a note of triumphant praise into our prayers, lifting our gaze from our needs and our requests to focus on the Lord Himself.

Sometimes I pray a Psalm exactly as it is written, whispering the words of Scripture directly to God. Other times I meditate on the words of a Psalm and respond to God with a prayer prompted by His word.

Today's Psalms share a theme of calling on God.

Call to Me in a day of trouble;
I will rescue you, and you will honor Me. (Psalm 50:15)

I call on You, God, because You will answer me;
listen closely to me;
hear what I say. (Psalm 17:6)

Know that the Lord has set apart the faithful for Himself;
the Lord will hear when I call to Him. (Psalm 4:3)

Be gracious to me, Lord,
for I call to You all day long.
Bring joy to Your servant's life,
since I set my hope on You, Lord.
For You, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive,
abundant in faithful love to all who call on You. (Psalm 86:3-5)

... I call to You for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer meets You. (Psalm 88:13)

Author, Ruth J. Leamy studies and writes in a green wing-back chair with a cat on one arm and a large mug of coffee on the other. This wife, author, mother of three, speaker and Bible study leader supplements her desert life with Belgian chocolate, British mystery stories and a playlist of Irish tunes. Check out her blog at ruthjleamy.com.

Pic of the Week

2011-10-06T01:20:00.003-05:00

Beautiful Family!

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2011-10-03T02:01:00.002-05:00

To all of you who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, abortion, or death of a newborn, we remember you and we honor and remember the life of your precious child(ren). Please join many of us by lighting a candle at 7 pm your time and leave it lit for one hour, to observe the loss of these precious lives and those affected most on this day. If you would like, please feel free to leave a comment about how we can support you.

Ways to Support a Parent

2011-10-01T00:32:00.000-05:00

Written by the National Share Office

SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc.

For many families who are pregnant with or have recently delivereda very loved and wanted baby, hopes and dreams are torn apart with the newsthat the baby has died. For the rest ofthe world around them, not much seems changed. Unfortunately, something very sad and life altering has happened thatneeds to be acknowledged. A baby hasdied.

The following information has been gathered by bereavedparents, friends, and professionals. Hereare some ways to better acknowledge the death of a baby and communicate withparents experiencing grief.

The first encounter…

Say “I’m Sorry”

If you can’t find the right words, it is better to say, “I’msorry,” than nothing at all.

Avoid Clichés

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Thank goodness you are young, you can still have morechildren.”

“There must have been something wrong with the baby.”

“I understand how you feel.” (unless you have an experienceto share)

“It was meant to be”

“You have an angel in heaven.”

“At least you didn’t get to know the baby.”

“You are so strong, Icould never handle this.”

“I guess it’s good it happened now.”

“At least you have children at home.”

“God would never give you more than you could handle.”

What may seem comforting to you may be very hurtful toothers. Clichés tend to minimize the loss and the emotions a parent has towardtheir baby.

Say “I Don’t Know What to Say”

If you are unaware of what to say, simply say, “I don’t knowwhat to say.” Honesty can be more comforting than words withless meaning.

Silence Can Be Okay

Sometimes there is just nothing to say. Just be quiet, be with them, hold their hand,touch their shoulder, or give them a hug.

Apologize for HurtfulComments

If you do say something insensitive, acknowledge it andapologize. These comments can cause hurt and future resentment.

Responses to Death

Do the same things for the death of a baby as you would ifanother family member died. Sendflowers, sympathy cards, share special remembrances, phone calls, make/bringdinner. If you are a close family memberor friend, it may be helpful if you ask to help maintain laundry, basic housecleaning or cooking, orwatch other children at home (if applicable). Be sure to obtain permission fromthe bereaved family before disassembling the baby’s room or removing baby items.

In the first few weeks…

Ask & Listen

Ask sincerely “How are you “and be ready to listen. They may have a lot to say and may repeattheir story many times. In order to behelpful to their grieving process, you must be willing to listen. Sometimesparents can verbalize what they need, so you know what you can do or say tocomfort them. You can also add, “I’vebeen thinking of you” or “I’ve been prayingfor you,” if either is appropriate to the situation.

Don’t Forget Dad

Fathers and mothers grieve differently. Dads may not talkabout the baby as much. Men tend to goback to work sooner and seem to reclaim their lives faster, but that does notmean that they are not grieving. Let them open up to you if they need to talk.

Be Specific In YourOffer to Help

Saying, “Call me if you need anything,” or “Let me know howI can help,” are generic statements for grieving families. Not all people are willing to ask for help. Offer to bring dinner Tuesday at 6:00, or askto take a newly bereaved mom to breakfast Thursday morning at 9:00, or ask dadif he wants to play nine holes of golf Friday at 8:00. If their response is“no,” it is okay to offer again in a week or two.

How to Acknowledgethe Baby

One misconception is that the shorter the baby’s life, theeasier the grieving process. The opposite is true. Whether the baby died duringthe pregnancy or lived a short time, the family lost future hopes and dreams.It is important when talking with parents to use the baby’s name if one wasgiven. By doing this you are showing the parents you value the short life oftheir baby, showing he/she is not forgotten.

Avoid Giving Advice

Everyone is an individual and grieves differently. There areno rules that define how a bereaved parent should feel or how soon he or shewill return to the norms of daily life. Giving parents permission to grievetheir own way can be healing.

In the following months & years…

Parents Need Time

The parents of a baby who has died will need more time togrieve than society allows. The average intense grief period is 18 to 24months. Parents will go through ups and downs during that time. The futureholds many milestones that will be missed like first steps, the first day ofkindergarten, toothless grins or a sweet sixteen. These milestones may bringtears to the parents, yet may have disappeared to others. Acknowledge a parent'sgrief and remember with them.

Open Communications

Bereaved parents need a safe person and/or place to talkabout their baby and the feelings they are experiencing. They need to be heardwithout being judged or receiving unwanted advice. Allow the parents to talkopenly about the pregnancy, and any future plans or dreams they may be missing.

Remember SpecialDates

Grieving parents may be saddened by special events or dates(birthdays, due date, delivery date, Mother’s & Father’s Day, holidays)because it’s a reminder their baby is not here. These days may be difficultwithout their baby, and parents need your support at these times.

Check Up

After a few weeks, people generally stop coming by. Continueto call and check in on the family. Make a call, leave a message, or write anote to let them know you care. Most bereaved parents appreciateacknowledgement of their grief and the life of their baby.

Showing you care in the workplace…

During and after the loss of a baby, the workplace can beconfusing and difficult place to grieve. The key to maintain good workingrelations is to have open communication.

What you need to know

· Parents of a baby who died need adequate timeoff (refer to bereavement polices) and need a plan of action for returning. Mothers, especially, need appropriate time to recover and heal. Some parentsneed to return part-time and some can return full-time.

· Try to help parents maintain a normalcy at work.Ask them to lunch, or sincerely ask how they are doing.

· Grief can make a normal day of work unbearable.Employees and employers can try to alleviate feelings of being overwhelmed by eitherdelegating or sharing job responsibilities.

· It may or may not be appropriate to shareemotional issues publically at work. Discuss what is appropriate, andunderstand that grief is a normal process that takes time to work through.

· Bereaved parents in authoritative positions mayhave a difficult time coping with their role as a leader and how their griefwill be accepted in the workplace. Allow them to express their needs, andunderstand that even though they are in a leadership role, they haveexperienced a tremendous loss.

· Crying, having difficult days, feeling confused,or having trouble concentrating is normal for grieving parents. Providing asafe place for bereaved parents to express their feelings will aid in theirhealing process.

Website: SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc.
Facebook: SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc.

Use Positive Adoption Language

2011-09-27T00:20:00.001-05:00

Nearly sixteen years ago, we welcomed an eight-month-old, blue-eyed baby girl into our lives. Her adoption is a fact that we all discussed openly and enthusiastically.

So I held my breath when our daughter told me that a classmate had asked her, “Why don’t you go back to your old parents?” When I asked how that made her feel, she blew it off with an exaggerated drawl: “Aw, she’s just thinkin’ outta the wrong side o’ her head!”

I chuckled, grateful for my daughter's perspective. And I was also thankful for the wisdom of other adoptive parents who had helped us learn how to communicate with her about her past. They encouraged us to talk openly and use positive language—vocabulary chosen to assign maximum dignity to the way our family was built.

First, we avoid saying “our daughter is adopted.” Using present tense suggests that her adoption is ongoing. When it is appropriate even to refer to her adoption, we say, “She was adopted,” describing the way in which she joined our family.

When people ask if she is our natural child, we affirm that she is — she's certainly not our unnatural child. As she has described it, “Mommy’s tummy was broken, so I grew in her heart instead.” We refer to her genetic family as her birth parents. She is not our genetic child, but she is naturally ours. And her birth mother and birth father are not her mother and father. We are.

Is our daughter “one of our own”? Certainly. We laugh when she’s funny. We discipline her when she sasses. We drag ourselves out of bed when she’s sick. We are her parents, and we love her as much as any parent could love a child. The institution of marriage demonstrates that one can love as family a person to whom he or she is unrelated genetically. My sister, the biological mother of one and the adoptive mother of another, insists that adoptive ties are as strong as genetic ones.

Today’s birth parents do not surrender, relinquish or “give up a child” to adoption, except in cases of involuntary termination of rights. Instead birth parents “make an adoption plan.” Theirs is an active, not a passive, choice. They recognize they are incapable of giving all their biological child needs for wellbeing, so they proactively choose a better life for that child. When our friends talk about this, we prefer that they emphasize the love part over suggesting our girl was abandoned.

Some prospective parents opt to adopt a child from another country. The preferred label for this is not foreign adoption but international adoption—just as we would say “international students” not “foreign students.”

We do not refer to other’s children who were adopted as their “adopted children.” They are simply their children. As author Patricia Johnston points out, we would never describe little Jimmy as Tom and Meg’s “birth-control-failure child.”

We prefer that people use this positive adoption language. Yet it doesn’t usually upset us when they don’t. We don’t expect them to know. But we do appreciate it when they listen and learn.

Each year in the United States, more than 120,000 families experience adoption, and we are among those blessed families. When I sing “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you,” I glance in the rearview mirror and smile at the girl who made us parents, the girl who grew in my heart. She is ours, but she’s not ours. She is, as are all children, on loan to us from God.

Sandra Glahn, Th.M., is adjunct professor, Christian Education and Pastoral Ministries, at Dallas Theological Seminary (DTS), her alma mater, where she serves as editor in chief of Kindred Spirit magazine. She is a candidate for the Ph.D. degree in Aesthetic Studies (Arts and Humanities) at the University of Texas at Dallas. She is also the author of several books that include When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden and The Infertility Companion.
Sandra's website, Aspire2
Aspire 2 on Facebook (make sure to click the LIKE button)

Don't be afraid...

2011-09-21T15:54:00.003-05:00

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV)

"I AM the Tooth Fairy"

2011-09-17T00:26:00.001-05:00

Emily has a tooth that is very loose and it is making it difficult for her to eat. So she was trying to get it out. She kept talking about the Tooth Fairy, and what would the Tooth Fairy bring, and-- are you the tooth fairy Mom, when the tooth fairy called one time it was your picture on the phone.

So she kept on with this, and knowing I didn't have a dollars worth of change in my purse (I rarely, rarely carry cash) I knew if that tooth came out, the tooth fairy wouldn't be able to come through in the usual way. I thought about making a certificate on the computer for a Littlest Pet Shop critter from the dollar store, but it was late and my computer is visible from her bed, and-- that just wasn't going to happen.

So, I said "can you keep a secret?"

Oh yes, she can, she said!

"Don't tell anyone..." and I leaned in and whispered, "I AM the Tooth Fairy."

She stood there, eyes huge, and said "I knew it! I thought you were!" She was in awe, much more than I would have expected.

And then she said-- "But what I don't understand is how you travel all over the world every night?"

Author, Melissa S. - PAI Board Secretary
Melissa and her husband Brad have been married for 18 years, and have one daughter. They live in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Melissa worked as a secretary at New Mexico State University until the birth of their daughter, at which time she became a stay at home wife and mother.

10 Years ago -- 9/11/01

2011-09-11T17:36:00.000-05:00

My mother died in September 1999, on either September 8th or 9th.

Our first baby's due date was in September 2000, on either the 8th or 9th.

I've forgotten which date is which but I remember what an emotional week that was in 2001 as I thought about both dates.

In 2001 I was pregnant for the third time, but because the first two pregnancies had ended in miscarriage, I'd really given up hope that I would ever have a living child. I was depressed and frightened. Life was dark and gloomy. No one told me that post-natal depression can occur after a miscarriage.

The 8th and 9th of September were difficult days as I thought of my mother in heaven with my two babies. Why did she get to meet them? Why didn't I ever get to hold them?

On the 10th my husband and I attended our first childbirth class. All the couples around us were so happy! I felt out of place. The nurse-midwife asked us to write down our biggest fear about childbirth. The woman beside me shrugged her shoulders and smiled brightly and said, "I just can't think of anything to worry about!" I wrote, "I am afraid my baby will die."

So on the night of September 10th I went to bed with a feeling of fear.

On the morning of September 11th, my in-laws were planning to fly to Scotland, so of course my husband and I were thinking about them and talking about their trip.

My car was parked behind Mark's car in the driveway, so I went outside to move my car to allow Mark to drive to work. As I walked back to the house, Mark rolled down his car window and said, "Turn on the news. The radio station is saying something about a plane flying into a building."

I said, "That's not something your parents want to hear on their flight day!" I expected to find out that a tiny private plane had crashed accidentally.

But of course that wasn't it at all. I laid on the couch and watched the news and prayed "God help us!"

My husband and I had only had a television for a few months. I hadn't watched a tragedy unfold on television before. It was intense. I remember going to the midwife the next day; she was concerned about what I was eating so she asked, "For example, what did you eat yesterday?"

"I don't know," I said. "I was lying on the couch staring at the tv."

"Yes," she sighed, "we all were."

I cried for those who lost their loved ones on that terrible day, and as I did so, I began to climb out of my dark tunnel of depression and grief. I began to realize that I wasn't the only person grieving. I meditated on the fact of loss and the comfort of God's presence.

Author, Ruth J. Leamy

For me, September 11 was the beginning of a new and brighter chapter in my life. It was a wake-up call to me--to get my eyes off me, to see others and to listen for God's voice.

The last ten years have brought many changes to my life--three beautiful living daughters, a move to Las Vegas and a ministry leading Bible studies.

Tonight my church has a special memorial service that includes the Lord's Supper. As we remember the tragedy, we remember our Hope.

Author, Ruth J. Leamy studies and writes in a green wing-back chair with a cat on one arm and a large mug of coffee on the other. This wife, author, mother of three, speaker and Bible study leader supplements her desert life with Belgian chocolate, British mystery stories and a playlist of Irish tunes. Check out her blog at ruthjleamy.com.

Pic of the Week

2011-09-07T07:42:00.000-05:00

Photo Provided by Sheridan

Once upon a time…

2011-09-05T20:06:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time…

Isn’t that how the fairy tale starts?

And they lived happily ever after…

Isn’t that how the fairy tale ends?

The handsome prince sweeps you off your feet and carries you away to his castle. Once you adjust to castle life, then come the children, right?

Handsome prince? Check. And let me tell you, he made the dirty cammies look good!

Castle? Check. So it is a 14x70 mobile home, still a castle to me.

Children? Not yet. How is that possible?

After almost a year and a half of separations and reunions, came another round of home pregnancy tests, all negative.

Then, finally, the news we were waiting for. A baby on the way. Eight months later, a daughter was placed in our arms. The fairy tale was back in business.

Another child in a year or so would be welcomed into our home and perhaps another child shortly thereafter. After all, that is how the fairy tale was supposed to go.

Time passed. I began to suspect there were the stirrings of life within me once again. Until I felt the rush of blood passing out of my body. Our tiny child born too soon.

Another separation, another move. This time the prince and I were not living quite so happily together. My longing for another child seemed unbearable. His longing to be single and still married gave rise to many long nights and many tears.

I had long struggled with depression. And this place we were in, this unhappily ever after, seemed as though it would never end.

One day, I drove away. And God drove me back.

The prince and I agreed. I would move back home before he did, if only to try to rescue our marriage. A few days later, I discovered, after a trip to my doctor, that our third child had died. I did not know that our third child was alive until I was told she had died.

The place where we lived was a desolate country. The place I was going was green and lush. Life abounded there. Three months of driving daily through God’s beautiful creation eased the pain I had walled up in my heart. Three months of crying on the way to and from work, wondering if I were going to end up a single mom because of dumb mistakes and selfish attitudes. I cried out to God and He restored my soul. The anger and the bitterness toward my husband began melting away.

Three months later we were reunited, together again, but no longer roommates. We were husband and wife and six months later we were soon- to- be parents again.

Four long years, countless tears, and 2 heaven bound babies later, our second daughter was born. A joy and a blessing. The fairy tale struck again.

We agreed that we would not wait so long to try again, but life has a way of intruding. A year of uncertainty passed with prayers that the prince would return from war unharmed. A year of adjusting to the prince’s return as well as a new home in yet another state led to more tears as we waited.

I told the prince I did not think I could handle the heartache that we experienced before. I wanted to set limits on how long we would try for another baby. Two years I said. The prince agreed. Two months later, God surprised us.

Our third daughter was born in a manner that was quite unexpected, but once again, God showed His amazing plan. He had again prepared us for every step of the way.

Each trial we had a choice. Step closer to God or walk away. Sometimes we did both. Sometimes we chose only to walk away. Through it all God called us to lay down our human desires and asked that we simply desire Him. So what will it be? The fairy tale written by human hands or the Author of the story of your life?

Author: Sheridan
"I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mama, and firm believer in Jesus Christ. I rescue baby squirrels because my children don’t want to see the cat from down the street take care of them for me. I have a wonderfully supportive mom and husband who encourage me in my pursuit of photography. Above all, I pray that my life is simply a reflection of God’s glory."

Author's Blog: Have Camera, Will Travel – www.sheridanscamera.blogspot.com

“When you were a little girl…”

2011-09-02T00:14:00.004-05:00

Author, Kristi Bothur

My daughter is now three-and-a-half, and while her twos were “terrific” rather than “terrible”, ever since she turned three, she has exerted her independence in new, and sometimes frustrating, ways. Gone is the baby who went where I took her without complaint, who snuggled in close whenever I needed a hug, and who wore whatever cute outfit I dressed her in. In her place is an opinionated little girl who dawdles when it’s time to leave, insists on wearing her favorite outfit instead of mine, and who locks her bedroom door so she can have “privacy.”

In the areas that are a matter of preference, I’m learning to let go and give her room to express herself. In other areas, I’m insisting on respect, obedience, and rules for her safety and well-being. And as we’ve replayed this ancient mother-daughter tug-of-war, an interesting refrain has come into our conversations.

“When you were a little girl, did you pick your nails?”

“When you were a little girl, did you take lots of paper towels?”

“When you were a little girl, did you hit your mommy?”

“When you were a little girl, did you sit in time-out for disobey your mommy?”

Her questions always make me slow down and smile. In those moments, my frustration leaks out, and my patience returns. No, I was not perfect either. And just as my parents reared me, watching patiently as I learned how to be my own person, so I need to be patient with my daughter as she grows up and stretches her wings.

I also wonder what is going on in her sweet head as she asks her questions. I think it is the desire to connect with her mommy, to find a common point where I am not the authority figure and she is not the one being told what to do, but we are both little girls struggling with life together.

Don’t we all want that? I know I do. I want to know that others have gone through the same things I have and have come out whole on the other side. That I’m not the only mom to lose her temper with her much-loved child. Or the only wife to argue with her husband. Or the only woman to struggle with her faith after losing a baby in my womb. I want to know I’m not the only one struggling with life.

That’s where friendships come in, and support groups, and the attraction of online communities like Parenting After Infertility & Loss Ministries. These are places where we can build connections with others and know we’re not alone as we struggle with life together.

That’s also where Jesus comes in. God was not content to give us orders from on high. He came to earth Himself, walked around with us, got dirty, experienced the same things we do. The apostle John says that Jesus “tabernacled among us” – in modern language, he pitched his tent in the midst of our own. And just like my daughter takes comfort in knowing that her mommy was once a little girl, too, we can take comfort in knowing that Jesus shared fully in our humanity. He is not “a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin” (Hebrews 4:15). Jesus was indeed Immanuel, “God with us” – and we can know that the God who was with us then is still with us now, giving us the power to rise above the struggle with victory as we “approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

Kristi Bothur is a pastor’s wife and mother of four – one on earth and three in heaven. She and her husband have a ministry called Naomi’s Circle (www.naomiscircle.weebly.com), which reaches out to other parents who have experienced pregnancy loss or early infant death. They also have a website, Uni-Kids For Christ (www.unikidsforchrist.weebly.com) to encourage Christian parents of only children, whether by choice or by circumstance.

Pic of the Week

2011-08-31T00:22:00.000-05:00

Photo By: Elizabeth

He was so not impressed about getting the coffee foam on his face!

Allison's Testimony: Trust Me

2011-08-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

I was not a church go-er as a child. But when I was in high school, a boy invited me to his church. I went and enjoyed it. One evening a group of kids from church went to a Christian concert at a local college. I couldn’t tell you who was playing then, and I can’t tell you now – but I can tell you that was the night I gave my heart to Jesus Christ. Thousands of people in an open arena were singing and calling out to God. I felt a tug at my heart, and I heard Jesus calling me, “Allison, put your trust in me. Let me into your heart.” And I did. I was 16 years old.

During college, I began dating Marshall. We had been friends for years, but it was college that brought us together. This boy was a Christian, and I knew that. He came from a strong Christian family, and I longed for that strength in Christ.

Marshall and I were married in 2003. Our Pastor spoke of love. Of love for your spouse, and love for your God. I loved both. God had brought me my love, and Marshall had brought me so much closer to my God.

But soon God put an ache in my heart. I was ready for a family. Marshall and I had already agreed on children, and agreed that we would adopt a child as well. In early 2004 we started trying to get pregnant. One would think this was easy enough, but alas, things are not as easy as they seem. After a year of trying to conceive a child, I went to my doctor for advice. I took him months of charts and data. He didn’t look at any of them. He immediately prescribed a battery of tests for Marshall and I to undergo for infertility.

We refused the tests, and God gave us incredible peace. In the months that followed we felt God telling us to follow Him and to entrust our lives to Him, which we did wholeheartedly.

In September 2005 we experienced a very short-lived pregnancy. Before we even had time to be excited the baby was gone. I named her Maggie Joy - which means Pearl of Joy.

A month later we began the process to adopt. It was not a rash decision or a second choice - in fact, I had told Marshall I would not marry him unless he agreed to adopt regardless of biological children.
In late March 2006 we got a call about a girl expecting twins – a boy and a girl. I was excited. We finally said yes to this match after saying no to many others. I called the twins Simon and Simone (as placeholder names). I started to look up everything I could for twins. But about 2 weeks later we were told they had changed their minds. I wanted to be upset, but I had an incredibly peace about it.

God was at work again, because in April as we were getting ready for a trip to Las Vegas I discovered I was pregnant. The morning before we left I happened to a test and it was positive - we were shocked. God had answered prayers and worked a miracle. We put our adoption plans on hold.

SB was born in December 2006.

I asked, “Is it a boy or a girl?” We hadn’t found out the gender, I wanted it to be a surprise. “It’s a girl!” The doctor exclaimed. “Are you sure?” I asked. “We don’t joke about these things,” he said. We laughed.

My goal was to become a mother while I was 25 years old. SB arrived with 3 weeks to spare before my 26th birthday. Talk about the nick of time. Another funny thing… I prayed throughout my pregnancy for God to give us a “healthy, pink baby.” Well, God took me very literally when I asked for a pink baby. SB was born with a head full of red hair. And the doctors and nurses said she was the pinkest baby they had seen in ages. Very funny, Lord. But thank you!

When SB was about six months old, I kept seeing signs for adopting through foster care. It was a billboard of two large white eggs and two smaller speckled eggs. I saw it everywhere. I felt God telling me, “This is what I want you to do.”

“No, Lord,” I replied. “I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can, you need to adopt through foster care,” He said.

“What if they take my child away?” I implored.

The response, “Trust me.”

I do, Lord. I do.

On SB’s 2^nd birthday in 2008 the social worker called. “You have been chosen to parent a baby boy,” she said. A few days later we met with the social workers and saw our son’s file and picture for the first time. We brought him home three days before Christmas 2008.

Our son, Mac, was ten months old when he came home. He was conceived in June 2007 (when we applied to adopt). He was born 4 weeks early in February 2008 (when we did our home study) and had recently been placed in foster care when we were approved that fall. God's timing is divine! And once again, God answered prayers. Marshall had prayed for a child younger than our daughter. He’s one day shy of being 14 months younger than her. I prayed for a child who had few complications and issues as a result of a detrimental home life/foster care situation. He was an average, healthy, normal little boy.

But along with answered prayers, God decided to test us. Three months after Mac came home, we found out that elderly relatives wanted him back with their family. They were suing the state for custody. We had to hire a lawyer and fight back. I cried out to God - why is this happening! But I'm sure you can guess the response I got. I was reminded of the argument I had with God when we were praying about going through foster cares - He had said to trust Him. It was hard, but I did my best.

I have never been through such heartache as I did in the time I thought each day could be the day I would lose my child. It took 18 months of legal battle and thousands of tears and dollars to save our son from the family he had been removed from as an infant. 21 months after we brought Mac home we finalized his adoption in September 2010. He was 2.5 years old.

As we entered into 2011, Marshall and I were searching and asking God what he had planned next for our family. Separately we had gotten the feeling that our family was not yet complete, so we began looking into adoption again. We were praying about going through DSS again or adopting from Uganda - which had been laid on my heart.

In March I discovered something I thought to be impossible. I was pregnant again. While not part of our plan, we were thrilled. Marshall and I discussed named and started plans for moving the kids into a room together to open one up for the baby, whom I already felt was a boy. Until we went in for the first doctor's appointment where we were told things were not developing right. With testing we discovered that the baby had 3 sets of chromosomes and would have never developed. I wound up having a D&C because my body refused to let go.
We named that little one Tobin which means God is Good.

After that loss, Marshall and I took time to pray and seek God's will. I knew I would not birth another child and was fine with that.
I then felt an overwhelming desire to reapply with DSS and told Marshall as much. He told me to fill out the forms and send them in. We know we were incredibly blessed the first time around - we had friends who were still waiting for a match 2 and 3 years after being approved. But we filled out the forms and have left it in God's hands for now.

And while I would love to know what is next for our household - I have to wait for God and trust in Him to write the story.

“Trust me,” He said.

“I still do, Lord, I still do.”

Author: Allison
Author's Website: http://afewsprinklesshort.blogspot.com/

Allison: Christ-follower, sinner, forgiven. Photographer, blogger, aspiring fiction novelist. Wife. Biological momma, Adoptive momma. Sarcastic, never apologetic, always honest, attempting funny.

Share Your Story

2011-08-27T01:05:00.004-05:00

Would you like to have your story or articles you have written posted on PAI’s blog?

Your post may be a reprint from your own blog or an original post/topic that you feel will bless and encourage our readers.

Topics of Interest include but are not limited to:

Infertility

Miscarriage/Infant Loss

Grief

Postpartum Depression/Post Adoption Depression

Adoption

Parenting Issues

Humor

Faith

Educating our Children

Here are a few guidelines to follow:

1. Please carefully edit your article for correct grammar, usage, spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.

2. Please include the following:
               a) links to your blog, website, fb and/or Twitter account.
               b) headshot of yourself (family photos are fine too!).
               c) brief (3 or 4 sentence) bio.

3. E-mail your post as a Word attachment to paiministries@hotmail.com

Thank you so much for helping us minister to Moms after/amid infertility and loss.

Blessings,
Kim, Paula, Melissa, Judi and Terry

Pic of the Week

2011-08-24T01:10:00.002-05:00

Kelley's Girls

Purpose of Waiting by Julie Clinton

2011-08-22T18:17:00.004-05:00

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

Waiting is hard! Traffic. Long lines at the store. The last family member to get in the car. Test results. Answers to our prayers. Even when things are going good in our lives, we hate waiting for the next positive moment to happen.

But waiting is part of God’s plan. God has many reasons to let us wait, none of which we see until after the fact. For instance, God may want us to wait until: we gain more knowledge, more favorable circumstances arise, we have the support of others, financial provision is available, we are emotionally prepared, etc.

Often we don’t even know why we are waiting. But God does.

He is an all-knowing God. He knows when you sit and when you rise; He perceives your thoughts from afar. He discerns your going out and your lying down. He is familiar with all your ways. He knows the purpose for any waiting in your life. Your job is to trust Him. You can either wait patiently and learn what you can in the process or wait impatiently and miss whatever refinement the delay holds for you.

Pray as you wait. As you do, you’ll discover the value of letting things come in God’s time. You’ll also find the beauty in waiting—the possibility that God’s dream for your life is just on the other side.

Julie Clinton, M.Ad., M.B.A., president of Extraordinary Women, has spoken to hundreds of thousands of women as host of EWomen conferences all across America, and is author of Extraordinary Women: Discovering God's Dream for Your Life, the devotional Living God’s Dream for You, 10 Things You Aren’t Telling Him and A Woman’s Path to Emotional Freedom. A woman of deep faith, she cares passionately about seeing women live out their dreams by finding their freedom in Christ. Julie and her husband, Tim, live in Virginia with their children, Megan and Zach.

I did it!

2011-08-19T01:43:00.002-05:00

It may seem like no big deal to some.. but to ME.......

Written by Heather

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart. It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally! Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it. What a strange moment of emotions came over me! Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries! So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.

I DID IT!!!!!!!

I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears. I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.

Yes...it stung. It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together. But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.

And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us. Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother. Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...

About Heather
After 10 years of unexplained infertility and after our 1st IVF and then loss of our first babies - a triplet prior to 6 weeks and then our identical twins (Dec. 6 '07)...round 2 of IVF blessed us with fraternal twin boys - Zac Michael and Evan Brett. After delivering the boys at 28 weeks 1 day (March 6, 2009 - Zac 2lb 5ou and Evan 2lb 9ou), and three days after their birth, Zac went home to heaven to be with his brothers (March 9, 2009). 66 days in NICU and 2 weeks before my actual due date...our precious son Evan came home weighing just under 5lbs! Our story and journey from the beginning can be read here.

Pic of the Week

2011-08-18T02:34:00.000-05:00

Birthday Girl! Taken by Terra

Respecting Children's Instincts & Awareness

2011-08-16T01:00:00.001-05:00

Respecting Children's Instincts & Awareness

Written by Joann O'Leary

When families experience a perinatal loss older siblings suffer two losses: the baby they were expecting and the parents they knew before the loss. They live with parents whose behaviors are altered by intense grief, often at an age when they are too young to understand what's happening. It is common for parents to think their other children are too young to understand. Also, they do not want their children to feel the same grief the parents do. Even very young children are tuned in to the emotions of the significant adults in their lives. A child's grieve and resiliency in coping, however, can be trusted and shared to the benefit of the entire family. Many children seem to have a spiritual connection and wisdom we adults often overlook. While I interviewed bereaved parents raising children I have been struck by stories of children who seem to possess this knowledge and I share two stores.

Grace was three when her mother's pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. She had known about the pregnancy, said right away it was a boy and called him Baby Cabbage. She said good morning to him every day and continues to refer to him as her brother in heaven. When her mother became pregnant again, they decided not to tell Grace until after the twenty week ultrasound. They felt Grace grieved so painfully and deeply for Baby Cabbage that they wanted to spare her another trauma. It was painful for the parents to watch and they feared another loss for them all. The day they were preparing to go in for their ultrasound Grace walked up to her mother and said, "There's another baby in your tummy. I'm going to have a baby sister!" Her mother shared they were going to the doctor that day and maybe we'll find out it's a boy. When she came home she told Grace it was a girl and that she could now tell her friends at school. Grace replied, "Well I already told them. I knew I was having a sister." So in spite of her parents thinking Grace was unaware they were pregnant she had already made a connection with her new sibling's presence in the family. Four months later her little sister was born!

Keeping the memory alive of a deceased child in the family is important not only for the children alive at the time but for the children who follow. The Smith family was very open about the death of their son Kevin to his siblings who were 18 months and three years old when he died. Although they did not bring the children to the hospital to see Kevin (something they now regret) his death was an open topic in the family. The parents allowed them to see their deceased brother's baby things: a little hat, his footprints, and some of his hair. The family also had pictures of him in the upstairs hallway and ornaments for the Christmas tree with his name and birth date. Along with these things, the siblings became memory keepers for Kevin as an important member of their family. This helped the baby who followed, Tony, to become a separate individual. They told Tony about his older brother, held Kevin's picture in front of his face before he was old enough to sit up. Understanding at a young age that not all babies live, these siblings at age three and five had a deeper relationship with their new baby brother. Their mother explains, "Tony's life was so real to them. They knew what it meant to not have a brother living. They were truly thankful for Tony."

Protecting young children from the pain of loss is an understandable desire. Yet these stories illustrate the wisdom children have that we often overlook. Parents who are able to communicate their thoughts and emotions teach their children that they can trust their parents to be honest and that they will be cared for no matter what happens in the family. It is a valuable gift that builds strong families.

"The more we
shelter children
from every
disappointment,
the more
devastating future
disappointments
will be."

Fred G. Gosman

Lucille Ball lives on.

2011-08-14T01:17:00.012-05:00

Someone once commented here that my life reminds them of Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. I have to say, her comparison wasn't off by much because the thing is, discombobulated moments just seem to find me. Allow me to share the great poo bomb incident if you will.

We were at Denny's tonight for dinner. Sure, it's not Shea Chic or anything, but they do put the most delicious cherry tomatoes on their salads (much better than Cracker Barrel's), our kids like the pizza, and hey, kids eat free on Saturday nights. It's all good. Well,...was good.

Before I go on, let me just say that my kids love soy milk. If you've heard some negative things about soy, let me just say that it's important to know who is behind the message (about soy, politics, or anything else for that matter). I've done my research and feel confident that it is best for our family. It's kind of like HRT, where women need to educate themselves and then make the decision that's best for their own situation. 'Nuff said.

So, they drink soy with the exception of Brandon. His system is too sensitive to it and he ends up with too frequent bowel movements (Oh, stop your gagging. Everybody poops).

Don'tcha know it, I got up this morning and we were out of cow's milk for Brandon so I had to tap into the kids' soy milk for his cereal and a glass for lunch. I figured that small amount couldn't hurt. Famous last words. Back to Denny's.

We finished eating our meal and were on our way out of the restaurant. Carl led the way from the back of the restaurant where we had been seated, through the aisle between rows of tables to the front. Behind him went our three oldest, then Brandon (who was walking) and about 10 paces after him, me.

I thought I smelled, you know, something.
"Couldn't be," I pondered, thinking about the glass of soy he drank at lunch time.
And then......the unthinkable happened.
I saw mud bunnies running down the back of his leg. Lovely (NOT!)
And what happened next (because that wasn't bad enough) will forever redefine gross as we know it.
A huge biscuit plopped out of his shorts, right in the middle of the aisle.
People, I'm telling you he launched a poo bomb smack in the middle of Denny's.

A dining establishment.

At dinner time.

While people were eating.

I felt a surge of adrenaline as I RAN to him (noting that the mud bunny trail was dangerously close to filling his shoes), scooped him up by the arm pits, and sprinted past dh as I groaned, "Carl! He dropped a log in the middle of the aisle!"

The look on Carl's face had the makings of a credit card commercial and I'm sooo not kidding.
The cost of a gallon of gas? $3.65
Cost of family meal at Denny's on kids eat free night? $22
The look on a guys' face when his wife frantically tells him that their son just pinched one off in the middle of Denny's? PRICELESS.

As I continued my marathon for the door (not wanting a repeat occurrence and not wanting poo puddles in Brandon's shoes), Carl looked back and noted the sizeable log laying right in the middle of the aisle. Half way back. How to get a napkin and casually pick it up before anyone noticed? You tell me.

By this time I had made it outside, where another log fell smack in the middle of the rubber mat that rested in front of the entry door. No time to pick it up. Must change seriously pooped up baby. Only..........

Where exactly does one lay a pooped up baby in a Denny's parking lot? On the sidewalk? In the blacktop parking lot? Folks, options were few and, as things usually play out in my world, I had no keys to open the van where I could have laid him on the floor to work on the major clean up to follow.

So, out of options, I chose the sidewalk. I couldn't wait and if you had been there, I assure you, you would not have waited either. He was a drippy brown mess. I frantically opened the diaper bag and dug to the bottom for that dinky plastic changing pad that comes with diaper bags. That'll teach me not to check these things out in advance because...naturally...no changing pad available.

So I grabbed a change of clothes, diaper and the wipes.
And,...Oh, lookie here! Swell and dandy. My kid is pooped to the max and I have two, count e'm, TWO wipes in the bag. I quickly emptied the wipes bag so I could use the plastic as a changing pad on the sidewalk (which would be akin to trying to cover a semi truck with a cocktail napkin). I had no choice. I was so ~~pathetic~~ desperate that I just got down to business, knowing how entirely insane I appeared to every passing soul.

May I suggest to you that there are these little moments that come up in life where you just don't care? You just don't give an owl's hoot about what the other person is thinking because they're not standing in your shoes (or your kid's shoes that are about to be poo filled any second) and sheesh, you just need to get 'er done.

Well, Carl walked out just then, but it was simply too late to move the dirty job to the car. I had already removed Brandon's shorts and diaper, and was busy cleaning him up with my two miracle wipes. Towering over me, Carl's eyes met mine. He wore a look of stress and slight humiliation. I too was feeling the defeat when suddenly I did what any supportive and rational thinking wife would do.
I burst out laughing.
"My wife done lost her mind," was what I read next in his eyes.
"It's all going so status quo," I mused.
Which made me laugh even harder.

Within seconds, I could not see through the tears to have the slightest clue what his next expression was. That is, until I heard him join me in my crazed fit of laughter.

It happened.
It really, really happened.
Our kid dropped a poo bomb in the middle of Denny's and his momma proceeded to change him on the sidewalk in a moment of desperation.

I don't dare say "end of story" though, until I tell you what Carl endured in the moments that followed my frantic exodus. As he noted the poo in the middle of the aisle, he immediately scanned the establishment for a napkin. According to him, it would have been easy to "just scoop it up like a dog pile."
That is, had he been successful in his napkin hunt.
You don't think he actually found one though, do you?
Remember, Lucille Ball here and ~~Ricky~~ Carl was to have no such luck.

But he did find a substitute.
A children's menu.
Uh huh, swell.
He said that every time he tried to get under the log to scoop it up, it rolled away.

And so....there he was. Squatted down in the middle of Denny's, chasing after a run-away log in front of complete strangers.
All while trying to remain incognito.
Deflated by a moment so surreal, it felt like a slapstick comedy. Seems fitting that I really did love Lucy.

Sometimes folks, sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
-Erma Bombeck

Author: Toni H.

Grateful to be a stay-at-home wife and mother of four, homeschool educator, former RN and airline customer service rep. For the record, I follow Jesus. Boldly!

Author's Website: http://www.wisewomenlovejesus.blogspot.com/

Wait Upon the Lord (not an easy thing to do)

2011-08-11T15:02:00.000-05:00

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

Practicing patience is hard work! This is especially true when we are waiting upon the Lord, who keeps to His own timetable. But believers who trust God to deliver are richly rewarded with the desires of their heart. A person's willingness to wait reveals the value of what he or she desires. Imagine, for example, a young woman who yearns for a husband. She must decide whether to place greater importance upon a) getting married or b) waiting patiently for a mate chosen by God. If her priority is the former, she may accept an offer that is less than the Lord's best for her. The fellow in question might be a good Christian but not a man suited for this particular young lady.

No one goes wrong waiting for the Lord to send His best in His perfect timing. Of course, believers don't receive everything they request. At times God simply says no. In other cases, He adjusts our desire to match His own. In our humanness, we can't possibly know all the details of a situation. So we ask for what we think we need, based on our limited information. A submissive heart accepts the omnipotent Father's gentle redirection. When the awaited object of desire comes, it may not look like what the believer originally requested, but it will be exactly what he or she needs.

Waiting patiently on the Lord is an awesome witness. When He responds, others see the reality of God, His faithfulness, and the wisdom of our commitment. In addition, our own faith is strengthened. Fools rush to seize their prize. But wise believers know that blessing will come in God's good time.

For more biblical teaching and resources from Dr. Charles Stanley, please visit www.intouch.org

Pic of the Week

2011-08-10T15:03:00.002-05:00

Fun times! Christina and her family.

Click the picture for a better view! :)

Growing in God

2011-08-08T16:39:00.010-05:00

2 Peter 3:18 says, "But grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." Easier said than done, right? After all, as a busy mom, who has time to invest in growing?

Most of us have been there to some extent. Maybe we've never said those words, but we've lived them. We've let other things crowd out the things we know are necessary for growth. We've regretted the fact that we don't have more time available for cultivating a relationship with God, but we haven't really determined to make the necessary time.

Or maybe it's just that we don't really know what to do, so we don't do much of anything. How do we do it right? What exactly is it that we're supposed to be doing, anyway?

There are four things that are absolutely vital for our spiritual growth. If we really care about growing, we will make time for these things. Let me say, however, that these are not things whereby, if we do them, we can earn brownie points with God. They are not practices which, if engaged in, will earn us stars on our heavenly chart. Nor are they things only educated people can do, or only the "truly spiritual" (whoever they are); they are things that every Christian can and must do.

First is prayer. Talking with God is absolutely vital to a relationship with Him. How can we expect to have a relationship with someone we never or rarely talk to, or someone we only talk to in order to deliver requests? Prayer is not something that has to be done "right". If you approach prayer with a sincere heart, truly desiring to know God better, that is "right enough". There aren't special words to say. There is no formula to tell you what you must pray about first. So just jump in. Talk to God as you would your most intimate companion, because that is what He is. And don't forget to listen. True prayer is not merely a monologue delivered heavenward with your eyes closed. Prayer should involve listening, too. It is a two-way conversation between you and God. You can pray anytime, anywhere, in any posture, and about anything. In fact, we are commanded to pray "on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests". (Ephesians 6:18)) If you want to find out more about prayer, there are many excellent books out there on the subject. However, your most excellent textbook is the Bible. There, you will find examples of many different kinds of prayers. Study them. But most of all, just do it. Just pray.

Second is reading your Bible. God has spoken vividly and at length to us in His Word. Why would we neglect to read it? Again, there is no one right way to read the Bible. There are many different Bible reading plans out there. There are also many different suggestions regarding how you should read the Bible, or how much you should read at a time. I suggest that you ask God how He wants you to read it. Maybe you will read the Bible through in a year. Maybe you will concentrate on one verse each day. What matters is that you are reading and meditating on God's Word, listening to what He has to tell you, and applying these things to your life. Make the intake of God's Word a regular part of your spiritual life.

Third is fellowshipping with other believers. We need each other for encouragement. In fact, we are commanded to encourage one another, "and all the more as [we] see the Day (of Christ's return) approaching." (Hebrews 10:25) We also need the support and accountability of other believers so that we continue walking in Jesus rather than becoming "hardened by the deceitfulness of sin". (Hebrews 3:13) Together, we can build each other up in Christ.

Fourth is to fill our minds with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. (Philippians 4:8). If we allow things into our minds that will tear us down spiritually, that will obviously impact our spiritual growth. Instead, we should fill our minds with things that encourage us in our walk with God. One such thing would be Christian literature and programming. Another would be devotional materials like the ones on this site. Another might be Christian music. Your spirit can be either polluted and weakened or encouraged and strengthened by what you put into your mind. So choose those things that will encourage you and help you in your desire to walk in holiness before the Lord.

One final word: remember that spiritual growth comes from the Lord. No matter how many times you go to church or how many chapters you read in your Bible, spiritual growth, maturity, and insight are granted only by God. Our reason for doing these things is not so that we can accomplish growth on our own. Instead, we practice spiritual disciplines because they are things that God honors with spiritual blessings. Our part is to put ourselves in a position to hear from the Lord. It is God Who will bring the increase.

If you desire to grow spiritually, lay your desire before the Lord. Ask Him what you need to do. Then, prepare to do it…and to grow.

Author: Megan Breedlove
Website: Mana for Moms
"My husband, Phillip, and I have been married since December 1995. I am a stay-at-home mom to our four children (with one more on the way in 2012!): Ellie, age 8; Kenny, age 6; Lindsey, age 5; and Jessica, age 3. We are members of Southfield Christian Fellowship in Arlington, Texas, and we live in Fort Worth, Texas. I graduated from Baylor University in 1993 with a University Scholar's degree in foreign languages and from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in 1996 with a master's degree in marriage and family counseling and a master's in religious education. I enjoy family activities, studying biblical languages, writing, piano, racquetball, reading, and fitness."

Wanted: Physician.

2011-08-06T01:55:00.000-05:00

Wanted: Physician.

Must work seven days a week while enjoying a strong marriage and family life. Will attend conferences for professional development, but is always in the office; never takes vacations but cultivates many outside interests and international perspectives so as to be well-rounded and interesting. Must be old enough to have decades of medical experience, yet young enough to be in touch with next year’s technology.

Must have an outstanding staff, which is voluntarily underpaid, making it possible to offer the most up-to-date service at minimal cost. Will schedule appointments for unlimited amounts of time with each patient to whom he or she devotes undivided attention.

Must never require anyone to wait. Will return phone calls within five minutes while adhering to a full surgical schedule to keep skills sharp. Must work long hours, yet intelligently discuss the plot of last night’s sitcoms to put patients at ease.

Must have the humility to say, “I don’t know,” or “I need help,” but will never need to say either. Will instantly be able to assess whether a patient needs a strong dose of hope or caution. Must never say the wrong thing. Is a genius, yet sociable, sensitive, and witty. Must have a reputation for demonstrating a wonderful bedside manner.

Is always in a good mood, and can handle with ease and pleasure any number of patients lacking any or all of these qualities.

From When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer.

Sandra Glahn, Th.M., is adjunct professor, Christian Education and Pastoral Ministries, at Dallas Theological Seminary (DTS), her alma mater, where she serves as editor in chief of Kindred Spirit magazine. She is a candidate for the Ph.D. degree in Aesthetic Studies (Arts and Humanities) at the University of Texas at Dallas. She is also the author of several books that include When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden and The Infertility Companion.
Sandra's website, Aspire2
Aspire 2 on Facebook (make sure to click the LIKE button)

Pic(s) of the Week

2011-08-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

Caroline & Bryon

Flip Flops

2011-08-02T15:20:00.011-05:00

My daughter has been coveting something in her three-year-old heart for nearly two months now.

Flip flops.

Friends of our came to visit at Easter time with their two sons just a little older than her, and they had flip flops. SO cool to her little girl eyes. Ever since, she's been asking about them, trying to understand what made flip flops different from other shoes, examining my shoe rack to see if I had any. When we were setting up for VBS at church on Saturday, she met a teen-ager with flip flops and got to try hers on. She told us they were on sale at Old Navy, 2 for $5.

You guessed it. We stopped at Old Navy on the way home and bought her not one, but THREE, pairs of flip flops. And she is over the moon. She has worn her flip flops everywhere she could since then, and even chose to nap on the floor to keep them on, since she doesn't wear shoes in bed.

We almost didn't stop for them. After all, she doesn't "need" flip flops. They're not "good" for her, like well-supported sneakers. But seeing her eyes light up at the thought of these longed-for big-girl shoes did me in.

I love to see my daughter smile.

And it makes me think of God, who loves his children more than I love my little girl. Who delights in giving "good gifts to those who ask him" (Matt. 7:12). Sometimes I hesitate to ask for things that I consider "silly" - the unnecessary, the extravagant. Things that aren't very "spiritual." Even things like more children. Another baby. I don’t “need” one; I should be satisfied with the child I have. I can analyze my desires to death before I utter a word in prayer. Sometimes I do it to make sure that my prayers are pleasing to God, but also in self-defense, to avoid unnecessary disappointment - after all, if I don't ask, he can't say no.

But I think what pleases God is also the asking. No, he doesn't want us to be selfish or have a "gimme" attitude. But heartfelt prayers please him. The looking of a child to her father to provide, trusting that if fulfilling that desire is not good, then that's okay.

But then, sometimes, God gives us those “frivolous” desires because he can. And because he wants to bless us and he "richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment” (1 Tim. 6:17).

And, I think, because he loves us, and He loves to see his children smile.

Author’s bio
Kristi Bothur is a pastor’s wife and mother of four – one on earth and three in heaven. She and her husband have a ministry called Naomi’s Circle (www.naomiscircle.weebly.com), which reaches out to other parents who have experienced pregnancy loss or early infant death. They also have a website, Uni-Kids For Christ (www.unikidsforchrist.weebly.com) to encourage Christian parents of only children, whether by choice or by circumstance.

Scripture Sunday

2011-07-31T08:48:00.004-05:00

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

No matter your past, you can still leap into life.

2011-07-28T23:39:00.010-05:00

Author, Mary DeMuth

Many of you know I wrote the book The Muir House. What you might not know is the why behind it. Although it’s a risk for me to share it, I feel it’s important, and it will deepen your experience of the book.

Those who have read my story in Thin Places know I endured some trauma in my childhood. Sexual abuse at five, several parental divorces, the death of my father. All these things served to help me see my gaping need for Jesus. While it’s painful that I had to endure what I did, I can now see those trials as the very means God used to bring me to Himself. To put it simply, my daddy-shaped-hole made me yearn for the Daddy who would never leave me.I’ve been on the journey of healing many, many years now. Although I’ve grown so much, there is one thing I can’t seem to get over: a hole in my memory. Even writing it scares me. What will my extended family think? Will this cause more friction? What if my empty memory is nothing?

The weird thing about my brain is that I remember everything. I have a clear memory of being about two years old, extremely vivid. And then nothing until I am four. Normally I would just chalk this up to being a child and forgetting or simply not remembering, but when I’ve asked my relatives about it, the answer never comes. Some have started crying. “Why would you want to know that? Why go back there?” Others are adamant that nothing happened to me. Others think I’m crazy for asking. But always, there is never a satisfactory answer and lots and lots of evasion. Rumors have flown around about homelessness, but nothing I can pin down.

I need to know. It’s this ache inside me, this agony to know what was missing from my life. What happened? Why won’t anyone tell me?

This search has driven me to become an investigative reporter. I’ve dug up old acquaintances from the past, written letters, sent emails, hoping to unfold the mystery. Nothing. I’ve prayed, but no insight has come. I’ve tried to settle myself, but I’m still antsy.

I wonder if there’s something I don’t know. Or if I have a lost sibling. All my adult life, folks have told me I look like Laura Dern. Imagine my crazy mind when I found out we share the exact same birthday! Same year. Was I a twin separated at birth? (Now you’re seeing my neurosis!)

Something that has helped me with my need to know was remembering something my husband Patrick told me years ago. With words, he painted a picture. He said my distance (at the time) felt like I was pacing the high dive, deciding whether I would jump into the pool. Down below were my children and him, all beckoning me to jump. But I paced. And worried. And fretted. I didn’t jump. Instead, in the word picture, I came off the high dive, then sat on the side of the pool and dangled my feet.
Our discussion after that helped me see an important truth. No matter what may make you pace the high dive (for me it’s this missing memory conundrum), you can still make a choice to live, to enjoy, to engage with people. You don’t have to be trapped up there or be relegated to the side of the pool.

This is why I wrote The Muir House. I wanted to explore the idea that we may never know the exact truth of things. We may investigate until our heart is raw. But even if things are left unresolved, we always have the choice to grow and live anyway. Willa had that choice. I have that choice. Even Laura Dern has that choice.

We can let the past be our excuse to live crippled lives.

Or we can leap into the halcyon air, and jump footfirst into life.

Which will you choose?

Author, Mary DeMuth
Website: http://www.marydemuth.com/

"I’m chef wanna-be, a sometimes tri-athlete (note emphasis on sometimes), and a passionate follower of Jesus. I’m in love with my husband and kids and am zealous about writing and speaking. (I promised my family I wouldn’t talk about my nose ring.) My deepest dream is to see stories—mine and others—change lives as they’ve changed mine. Although I write both non-fiction and fiction, I’m especially fond of the latter because of the power of story. Stories saved me. From the parables of Jesus, to novels like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Book of the Dun Cow, stories swept me away into a world of hope and possibilities."

PAI's Pic of the Week

2011-07-27T00:56:00.001-05:00

Yummy!

Baby Blues: The Second Time Around

2011-07-25T01:38:00.008-05:00

Couples with Secondary Infertility Face Unique Challenges

by Sandra Glahn, Th.M

When Charla and Bob Boyl tried to have a second child, they were shocked to discover they had a fertility problem. The Boyls have plenty of company; at least one in twelve couples of childbearing age experience secondary infertility. They have one child, maybe more, then find that after a year or more of trying, they have been unable to conceive or carry another pregnancy to term.

Fort Worth fertility specialist, Kathleen Doody, M.D. says, “Secondary infertility appears to be undertreated. Research reveals that while half of all couples diagnosed with primary infertility pursue treatment, only one fifth of couples with secondary infertility seek medical help.”

“Primary and secondary infertility patients experience almost identical medical problems and treatments,” says Dallas physician, James Douglas, M.D. “We look for the same causes. In addition, childbirth can leave fertility problems behind. And naturally couples are older when they try to have children again. The chances of conceiving per cycle drop off drastically in the upper 30s.”

Psychologists confirm that both primary and secondary infertility evoke feelings of guilt, denial, anger, depression, and frustration. But differences exist, too. Secondarily infertile couples are at an in-between place. The fertile population generally perceives them as having no problem because they have a child. And when they are with primary infertility patients, they often feel too ashamed to ask for support for fear childless couples will resent them.

Debra, who returned to fertility treatment after having a high-tech baby, says the second time she felt a different kind of pain: “Now that I have one child I’ve exchanged the anguish of having no children for the pain of knowing exactly what I’m missing the second time.”

Another mom finds that an activity as common as picking up her daughter from kindergarten brings unexpected grief: “You notice you’re the only mother who is not pregnant, carrying an infant, or holding a toddler’s hand,” she says. “Your child asks why she’s the only one in her class with no brothers or sisters. You listen to everyone in your play group discuss how far apart they want to space their children, and then you watch them conceive according to plan. Meanwhile, you continue with temperature charts, medications, and doctor visits. You wonder if your child will be emotionally scarred by your deep desire to have another. You struggle to answer friends and relatives who comment, ‘Time for another, isn’t it?’ Or worse, you answer those you’ve told you’re infertile who say, ‘At least you have one child; you should feel grateful.’”

“It’s nearly impossible to explain to someone who feels their family is complete why you grieve for the phantom child,” says Charla. “People try to tell us we should feel satisfied with the child we have. I compare it to how I feel about my mother. She died a few months before my daughter was born. I feel grateful to God for giving me a wonderful mother, but no matter how grateful I feel, it never takes away my longing to be with her. Gratitude never replaces longing.”

Secondary infertility often brings an overwhelming jolt with the realization that dreams may never materialize. One mother says, “Many of us grew up with a vision of our family as a Mom and Dad and at least two children. I think about my daughter and wonder if she will ever know the mischief of sisters caught with Mom’s make-up, the frustration of having to share her toys, and the confidences which can’t bridge generations. When we get old and start acting funny, who will she call to say, ‘We’ve got to make Mom stop wearing t-shirts to Neiman’s. I watch her now with two sets of eyes,” she continues. “One set watches her as any mother would. The other struggles to memorize every stage.”

Daniel’s mother, like most, feels guilty about her inability to give her son a sister or brother, recounting a recent experience that made her cry: “Three neighbor kids were teasing my son, saying, ‘If we didn’t live next door, you’d have nobody to play with.’ I called their mother, and she told me her kids felt jealous because my son had more toys. She had explained to them that while Daniel had lots of toys, they had sisters and brothers—something Daniel didn’t have.”

Guilt may take other forms. Studies show that many moms and dads with fertility problems criticize themselves about the quality of their parenting. They may wonder if some curse has been cast on them for being terrible parents the first time. When their child misbehaves, they may think, “No wonder we’re not supposed to have another.”

Along with guilt often comes fear. Many parents worry their children will be lonely, lacking family connections. They may become overly protective or unusually ambitious for their single child. They may also worry that their only child will die or bear the sole burden of caring for them in their old age.

Add to this the expense. Few employers’ health plans cover infertility. Companies often label such treatments “elective,” placing them in the same category as cosmetic surgery. Yet more than 90 percent of fertility problems stem from a diagnosable medical cause.

Many couples find that secondary infertility also complicates the adoption question. They worry about real or perceived equality in homes with a biological/adoptive mix. Some agencies turn away couples with a biological child, and many have a ceiling on parental age.

“Couples confronting secondary infertility need empathy and validation of their pain,” says therapist, Judy Calica. “They need the freedom to grieve their losses and they need support in resolving their crisis.”

And crisis it is. Stacia, describing the emptiness she feels over being unable to conceive again, says, “This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. I know I will always feel like I’m just not finished.”

Sandra Glahn, Th.M., is adjunct professor, Christian Education and Pastoral Ministries, at Dallas Theological Seminary (DTS), her alma mater, where she serves as editor in chief of Kindred Spirit magazine. She is a candidate for the Ph.D. degree in Aesthetic Studies (Arts and Humanities) at the University of Texas at Dallas. She is also the author of several books that include When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden and The Infertility Companion.

Sandra's website, Aspire2

Aspire 2 on Facebook (make sure to click the LIKE button)